Henley Business School: Henley (UK)
I had deliberately pursued part time over the shorter full time study option whilst working full time because I couldn't afford to do it any other way. I also didn't want my career growth to stop. I made responsible decisions, moved from freelance to full time employment to get some stability in my life, to facilitate the completion of this "gigantuous" task. That went well and didn't. I struggled with 9 to 5 (sort of-ish) since I hadn't done formal employment in over 6 years. I'm a free little spirit, that loves diversity, so this was a huge change, but I stuck it through. Your professors warn you about how easy it is to neglect family and loved ones. I did that, I was half there, most of the time. Emotionally distant for the first year. A fight with my younger sister who lives in another continent revealed this. I was neglecting her, after she had travelled over oceans to spend a few days with me. She needed me, I needed her, but I needed to get this task done. We kissed and made up but this blind spot showed me something needed to give.
The last 32 months reinforced that I am task oriented, I get a kick out of finishing things well. But things were not going so well all the time. When I faced personal challenges, my grades suffered. When work got insane or when I realised that this new job had a learning curve of its own, my academic delivery suffered. When most of my vacation days were used to finish assignments and study for tests and there were none left to just rest, my exhaustion showed me that life exists beyond tasks. My shell was suffering because I had a primary and worthy focus, but the other things that make me were not given the attention they deserved. Would it have even been possible to achieve balance? I don't think so, but the entire process taught me a lot.
1. I'm not superwoman - there were days I felt lonely, tired, discouraged, angry, happy, proud and everything in between. The people that are closest to me were incredible cheer leaders and others detractors, but that's OK. That's life, imperfection is what makes life interesting, pushes us to grow. It confuses us at times but it really can make us better.
2. I need cuddles, lots of them - I learned this when I got cuddles from both the wrong and the right places. The wrong sources diminished me, the right ones relieved me, not permanently, but those fixes were enough for that moment. One doesn't need cuddles all the time, but one needs some! I've also learned to give more unsolicited cuddles to those I care about, as I now understand what it's like when they are unavailable.
3. I need to eat, pray, exercise and love correctly to be my best - when I ate badly, didn't exercise consistently, left God out of things and moved away from good love and towards bad love, the results were...well...need I say more. We don't need an abundance of external love, but self love opens doors to wonderful things. Self love involves getting enough sleep, letting go of bad habits, forgiving yourself for screwing up, letting yourself experiment and feel, which leads me to the next one...
4. It's OK to be vulnerable - on the days I didn't get good grades I allowed myself to chuck a mini tanty but made sure I analysed why I felt the way I felt. My sisters (and biggest emotional support) kept me in check and were always willing to talk sense to me. There were days I was tired, emotional, overwhelmed and just letting people that care about me know how I felt, gave them an opportunity to respond. In this time, I learned who was truly there for me and who the faders were. It's also challenged me to be there for others and return the gift that was given to me.
5. Sometimes you will be let down when you don't deserve it and you won't always understand why - this was the hardest one for me. Some people I thought truly had my back, flaked. I was in denial for a while, but have begun the process of releasing them and releasing myself. I didn't do anything wrong, I just opened my heart and an ability to do that is beautiful, but it doesn't always mean it will be reciprocated. I sought to understand why and I got some answers but they weren't enough for me to immediately walk away. This revealed my persevering spirit. I fight for my friendships and relationships, but really, it's also important for people to fight for you.
6. I'm a whole person - these studies are the most challenging thing I've done so far and I give my father permission to charge as many cows as he once when it's time for my roora/lobolo). Jokes aside though, I learned that if I neglect everything else in my life, my chances of success are reduced. And conversely, when I focused too much on this mission, the other aspects of my life suffered. I'm not convinced balance is possible, but some times all that's needed is the ability and willingness to dance between the best decisions you can make in each moment.
7. Life is more than performance - grades can be useful in attempting to measure the degree of mastery or probably more realistically, the ability to answer specific questions asked but academic personal advancement can deliver more than a shiny qualification. For me the road to becoming a master showed me that the ability to learn always trumps the measure of the performance. The greatest lesson for me in all this is, always be willing to learn!
Last day of Lectures, little did I know how big Mount. Dissertation would be
I'm nearly done with the final dissertation process and I'm exhausted. I want to check out for a little while but can't just yet. So for now, I'll just sort through my thoughts and try and be a complete and present person, even if for the moment my eyes are half open. :-)
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