I recently got told no. Today actually. Even had an explanation, but I was upset. Why? Why does rejection hurt, even when the reason is plausible, even when you know what you must do to turn the rejection around? Because they just do. OK there's a whole psychological (i.e. ego) basis for this but I'd like to discuss the types of nos I've experienced in my professional life and what I've learned from them.
- Straight up no.
- The "not good enough..." no.
- The "not now" no...
- The one that starts as a yes then later turns into a "we can't afford this/our strategy has changed/ we will revert and they actually don't. It's you that turns stalker because you're not the only one they are speaking with.
- Then there's the go back and rework it no.
I work in the creative industries and I have been on the giving and receiving end of every single one of these. Every one of them sucks!
WHY?
As a creative(or anyone that cares about what they do), our work comes from some place inside of us. Even if it is briefed, we have to dig inwards to deliver outwards. Rejection is attached to our sense of worth, competence, purpose. It shouldn't though, because creating is what we do not who we are. But the creative often feels like the thing is an extension of self. I think more accurately its an expression of self.
I want to address the different nos in the bid to sooth my ego. As an aspiring mature adult, my pursuit should really be to gain further understanding that can help me stop internalizing rejection. But I'm comfort eating dark chocolate so I concede I'm not there yet. But here's me trying....
STRAIGHT UP NO
I recently listened to a webinar on innovation. The professor spoke of studies he'd done of Silicon Valley multi-billion dollar disruptions. A trait he found in each context was that most of the successful firms, creations, innovations came from an environment that accepted a lot of failure as part of the process. He spoke of innovation being in the margins of creativity and not the median. The median is popular, common, produced by many so we are often competing for the same piece of the pie. When we win at something though, get a contract, job, gig, our solution is responding to a gap. If the gap was already filled you most likely wouldn't have gotten the deal.
The Gap is Already Filled
This turns the no on its head. Assuming I have applied myself fully and delivered excellence in the thing I am offering, sometimes the no is "we already have this" not "you suck." To be honest its not often that the buyer/recruiter/potential client will give you reasons for the straight up no. Sometimes it's just that generic letter you know for sure a million other people got (the "we regret to inform you..." intro ring a bell?) But consider objectively, is what you are doing cutting edge? It doesn't always have to be but something has to set you apart to be chosen above others. It's not always about being better but about being relevant. If you were to remove yourself, your ego, is it possible that someone else has pitched what you are pitching but possibly offered a more aligned solution?
NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Its possibly true and often the margin of difference between the one that got the job and you (assuming you kicked butt in the quality of your "thing") is very small. In situations where you cannot get feedback, revisit the brief or the platform you are trying to get on, or the customer you are trying to reach. Then ask yourself "is what I am offering sufficiently speaking to the need?" Sometimes it is not quite speaking to the market need or the brief at all. During my MBA the most useful assignment tip a professor gave was "just answer the question being asked" no more, no less. Ha! How often do we do just that? So once you and I get over the ego bruise, perhaps we could revisit and see if we can improve what we have written and test if indeed it is answering the question being asked. If not, pull it apart and fix what can be worked on. And where opportunity allows, ask for a second go at it. Not good enough means there's room to grow and that is absolutely useful.
NOT NOW "NO"
This is the worst no for anyone like me, impatient folks out there say "Amen!"Why not now? My idea is genius, it will forever be relevant and appropriate and awesome. Maybe so, but the power is in the hands of the buyer so perhaps we should try and understand not just their needs, but where timing fits in for them. You've heard people say "she was ahead of her time" and even seen cases where world renowned artists list Picasso's work gained was validated years after it was created and past the time they were alive. It would be ideal if that wasn't always the case, but sometimes it is. The point is Picasso was a rock star even before the era acknowledged him. You and I are no less rock stars, but we must keep creating because not everything is for today and if your thing is worth it, the fact that it receives its kudos even later means it has achieved its purpose. It gets confusing though, because we then get those people that speak of the necessity of "constantly knocking" and eventually even after decades of persistent pursuit getting let through the door. Then there's advise that speaks of knowing when to cut your losses. Which do you follow? I think that depends on various factors tied to your intention. There's wisdom in knowing when to stop like when your energy is being taken away from being productive in other ways or when your resources are constantly thrown down the drain for the same thing and there's no more growth (fast or slow). There's wisdom that suits each context, but a way to hedge your risk is to keep creating. Keep adapting, listen to feedback, know if you need to shift gears. When we have multiple plates spinning, if one thing isn't moving, it means there are others that may work in the meantime.
THE YES FIRST AND THEN THE NO AFTER
Ouch, ouch, ouch. That one has wrecked my emotions. What has helped is knowing that even though a no came later, I got a yes to begin with. Something clicked, something fit, there was alignment. I can use that knowledge. Even though a no followed, that initial yes can serve as foundation for a long term relationship. Once can ask the bearer of bad news/strategy shift/budget cut if it's OK for me to maintain contact for future opportunities. This way perhaps the initial thing didn't get to where I had hoped but I prepare the way for future pursuits (that could get their own set of "nos" too)...sigh.
GO BACK AND REWORK NO
These are the rarest. Society, work, life often only gives us once chance, but when we are given a second go at something as per the not good enough now TAKE IT! Look at the reasons you got the know and panel beat the heck out of it using what information you've been given to make the most of it.
Outside of a straight up no that clearly states the door is shut forever which in reality doesn't really happen (even in the case of a break up), nos are opportunities per personal and professional growth. They give you ammunition for growth. Nos are opportunities to refine our skills, our resilience and our output. Nos suck, man oh man they suck, but if we use them as tools, that we have the power to control, they can help make us better at what we do, say and help us refine out goals. Nos give us the spine we need to handle future yeses with greater appreciation, wisdom and with surer feet.
So as I end my pity party with the last bite of my comfort dark chocolate, I resolve to rework my "thing" and push for draft 5 to be better!
WHY?
As a creative(or anyone that cares about what they do), our work comes from some place inside of us. Even if it is briefed, we have to dig inwards to deliver outwards. Rejection is attached to our sense of worth, competence, purpose. It shouldn't though, because creating is what we do not who we are. But the creative often feels like the thing is an extension of self. I think more accurately its an expression of self.
I want to address the different nos in the bid to sooth my ego. As an aspiring mature adult, my pursuit should really be to gain further understanding that can help me stop internalizing rejection. But I'm comfort eating dark chocolate so I concede I'm not there yet. But here's me trying....
Comfort Choccie: "No" Medicine.
STRAIGHT UP NO
I recently listened to a webinar on innovation. The professor spoke of studies he'd done of Silicon Valley multi-billion dollar disruptions. A trait he found in each context was that most of the successful firms, creations, innovations came from an environment that accepted a lot of failure as part of the process. He spoke of innovation being in the margins of creativity and not the median. The median is popular, common, produced by many so we are often competing for the same piece of the pie. When we win at something though, get a contract, job, gig, our solution is responding to a gap. If the gap was already filled you most likely wouldn't have gotten the deal.
The Gap is Already Filled
This turns the no on its head. Assuming I have applied myself fully and delivered excellence in the thing I am offering, sometimes the no is "we already have this" not "you suck." To be honest its not often that the buyer/recruiter/potential client will give you reasons for the straight up no. Sometimes it's just that generic letter you know for sure a million other people got (the "we regret to inform you..." intro ring a bell?) But consider objectively, is what you are doing cutting edge? It doesn't always have to be but something has to set you apart to be chosen above others. It's not always about being better but about being relevant. If you were to remove yourself, your ego, is it possible that someone else has pitched what you are pitching but possibly offered a more aligned solution?
NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Its possibly true and often the margin of difference between the one that got the job and you (assuming you kicked butt in the quality of your "thing") is very small. In situations where you cannot get feedback, revisit the brief or the platform you are trying to get on, or the customer you are trying to reach. Then ask yourself "is what I am offering sufficiently speaking to the need?" Sometimes it is not quite speaking to the market need or the brief at all. During my MBA the most useful assignment tip a professor gave was "just answer the question being asked" no more, no less. Ha! How often do we do just that? So once you and I get over the ego bruise, perhaps we could revisit and see if we can improve what we have written and test if indeed it is answering the question being asked. If not, pull it apart and fix what can be worked on. And where opportunity allows, ask for a second go at it. Not good enough means there's room to grow and that is absolutely useful.
NOT NOW "NO"
This is the worst no for anyone like me, impatient folks out there say "Amen!"Why not now? My idea is genius, it will forever be relevant and appropriate and awesome. Maybe so, but the power is in the hands of the buyer so perhaps we should try and understand not just their needs, but where timing fits in for them. You've heard people say "she was ahead of her time" and even seen cases where world renowned artists list Picasso's work gained was validated years after it was created and past the time they were alive. It would be ideal if that wasn't always the case, but sometimes it is. The point is Picasso was a rock star even before the era acknowledged him. You and I are no less rock stars, but we must keep creating because not everything is for today and if your thing is worth it, the fact that it receives its kudos even later means it has achieved its purpose. It gets confusing though, because we then get those people that speak of the necessity of "constantly knocking" and eventually even after decades of persistent pursuit getting let through the door. Then there's advise that speaks of knowing when to cut your losses. Which do you follow? I think that depends on various factors tied to your intention. There's wisdom in knowing when to stop like when your energy is being taken away from being productive in other ways or when your resources are constantly thrown down the drain for the same thing and there's no more growth (fast or slow). There's wisdom that suits each context, but a way to hedge your risk is to keep creating. Keep adapting, listen to feedback, know if you need to shift gears. When we have multiple plates spinning, if one thing isn't moving, it means there are others that may work in the meantime.
THE YES FIRST AND THEN THE NO AFTER
Ouch, ouch, ouch. That one has wrecked my emotions. What has helped is knowing that even though a no came later, I got a yes to begin with. Something clicked, something fit, there was alignment. I can use that knowledge. Even though a no followed, that initial yes can serve as foundation for a long term relationship. Once can ask the bearer of bad news/strategy shift/budget cut if it's OK for me to maintain contact for future opportunities. This way perhaps the initial thing didn't get to where I had hoped but I prepare the way for future pursuits (that could get their own set of "nos" too)...sigh.
GO BACK AND REWORK NO
These are the rarest. Society, work, life often only gives us once chance, but when we are given a second go at something as per the not good enough now TAKE IT! Look at the reasons you got the know and panel beat the heck out of it using what information you've been given to make the most of it.
Outside of a straight up no that clearly states the door is shut forever which in reality doesn't really happen (even in the case of a break up), nos are opportunities per personal and professional growth. They give you ammunition for growth. Nos are opportunities to refine our skills, our resilience and our output. Nos suck, man oh man they suck, but if we use them as tools, that we have the power to control, they can help make us better at what we do, say and help us refine out goals. Nos give us the spine we need to handle future yeses with greater appreciation, wisdom and with surer feet.
So as I end my pity party with the last bite of my comfort dark chocolate, I resolve to rework my "thing" and push for draft 5 to be better!
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