I've never been married and many peers my age are hitched and one to four kids in. RESPECT! My singleness doesn't bother me so much... right this moment. It has in the past though and probably will again in the future. That's life and as a dear colleague said to me "we humans are full of contradictions" agreed!
So why is this awesome human that is me single? I have been asked. I haven't the foggiest clue, but I have in the past asked myself questions like "what's wrong with me? Am I lovable? Why won't they stay?" Responses like "there's nothing wrong with me, it's them... men are dogs, men don't commit anymore..." have come to the fore, but as I grow older (wisdom alert) I realize that sometimes, there was something wrong with me, and sometimes it really was them. I know for sure that not all men are dogs and some totally want to commit. How do we navigate this complexity then?
Today, more women in their 30s have never been married and we are plagued by questions of esteem and worth because we haven't followed the norms defined on this side of history.
What is normal?
I've had the benefit of living in a few different countries in my adult life,and I've concluded that normal is relative to context. Perhaps in Zimbabwe, 30 and single warrants a WTF ("F" for fudge, not the other word). In the US and South Africa even, 30 and single aint a thing. This is all specific to the female gender. Many have argued that our place of origins and upbringing often inform our world views. Whilst I live in South Africa now, where it's totally acceptable to have children from maybe different fathers, you as a single mum can still remain valued and seen as normal. Being Zimbabwean born and raised makes that life choice or circumstance rather taboo. But... and it's a big BUT, I am a free, critical thinking human, capable of interrogating my surroundings, interpreting anthropology in light of my own biases.
What I think
I actually am indifferent to whether or not an aunt is concerned by my unmarried-ness. I don't live with that aunt, and her view of me does not shape my identity or destiny. But I'm one of those rare few African females that's been blessed to not have any relative pressure me into matrimony, or question my lack of it. I have friends though, that experience this on a daily.
I think marriage isn't a prize nor should it define a person. I think we are obsessed with it and an ideal that is far from reality. We are individuals and within or outside of a marriage, we have a life to live.
Even though I know this and am convinced of it, I still long for the ideal of companionship, of a potentially life long cheer leader and iron mate to sharpen me and me to sharpen him. The idea of a partner that will be a support for my dreams and me his, or in some cases have our dreams combine, should there be that kind of synergy. The ideal of making (and adopting) munchkins to love on and raise to one day make the world better through helping them realize their purpose. I look forward to contributing to the world in my life time, WITH someone who knows me intimately, who can let me be vulnerable and who can be vulnerable and unjudged by me. I look forward to loving. But I had never been cognizant of the fact that to have the above, it would demand that I love unconditionally. Unconditionally... what does that even mean? Married friends, here's your cue.
The Therapy Bit
Singleness in your thirties means you've had some experience in heartbreak, falling in love, making mistakes, hurting another, using another, being used. I have a story to tell in all these areas and have observed others which has taught me things. These personal experiences have been amazing for me, because they've revealed so many aspects of me that I wasn't always aware of. They've also taught me things about relationships (romantic or not) that I didn't know then. Things like perseverance and when to call it quits. Things like patience, generosity, reciprocation, listening, expectation management and all that fun stuff. These lived experiences have purged the yuck in me to surface and at times its shocked me. Am I truly this imperfect? Impatient? Selfish? Yes! Looking in the mirror has been so hard, but so wonderful. I am broken and I know it! But I no longer run from it. I accept it...isn't that the whole basis of being human? We are broken and we need help. And I am committed to doing better. So what of the questions of reasons of why I (you) are single? Have you asked yourself "What's wrong with me? Am I lovable? Why won't they stay?" Let's interrogate the earlier answers that I think many can relate to hearing.
They are the problem....
And so am I. As the above points out... I have issues and I am aware of some of them now, but now my own journey has shown me that imperfection is normal in all people in all contexts. Specifics may vary in seriousness, but I am also empowered to decide the extent that I will engage that imperfection. In the context of a relationship, the fellow has the same option too, which means he can walk away. Marriage is life time stuff people, doesn't he have the right to decide if he's willing to live with me as I am? After all "this is just the way I am, take it or leave it" right? So why do we flip out when he refuses to leave it? That said, we can change and I'm not talking about changing the inherently beautiful things about you, that make you, you, I'm talking about changing the stuff that is actually hurtful... Do we really have to yell or stalk, or be unkind? This question is for both genders. Refusal to change for the better is selfish and if I would walk away from that, they have every right to.
All Men Are Dogs
***whistles and walks away*** Stole that line from an ex - that guy was witty and had a wandering eye. But it didn't mean every guy does. A really good now married guy friend of mine said to me "take some responsibility. Woman, if you hang out in kennels, you will find dogs. Get out of the kennels and stop painting us all with the same brush..." OK that was paraphrased but that's the essence of his plea. We are exposed to the company we keep, so how about we stop rolling with the pack. There are other species out there ladies, one is called "really awesome males that don't cheat." Endangered maybe, but they exist. Yes this one's a sore point for me too, but it doesn't take the truth away.
Men Don't Commit Anymore
Neither do we. I had a debate this morning with some colleagues about the double standards that women sometimes have that make it really frustrating for men. I'd like to unpack this more in another entry, but for now, the essence of the discussion was some of us proclaim the independent woman mantra, but in practice want to be taken care of. Well yeah!!! I am convinced that EVERY WOMAN WANTS A MAN TO LOVE ON HER... but taking care is not always financial. Taking care also means just keeping your word, being considerate and contributing to a bill, please contribute to a bill. And I think most guys want to deliver on that. The problem I think is we are not honest with ourselves. I am one of those independent women, that has double standards, but that's because I've been single and supporting myself all of my adult life. So getting a male someone to fit in is going to be a huge adjustment for me. There's a learning curve, for both of us. One day I will want to change my own tire (which I have and I didn't want to, but had to as there was no guy handy). Another day, I will want to wear a flowery dress and have you whisk me away to a romantic restaurant (me, personally, would rather have you cook - ahem). The point is, in the context of Africa, many of us thirty somethings are the first generation of cross cultural beings where we are living within both Western and African world-views. There's quite a bit of negotiating to do. Men may have career aspirations and can afford X-boxes and play those all day instead of pursuing a wife because its fun! And women may want to do whatever women do and not have to worry about commitment, because now socio-economics and cultural norms have become more flexible in this regard. But there are also guys and gals that are game to tie the knot and couldn't care less about X-Box... right now. I think it goes both ways, both parties are renegotiating their terms on the marriage front and that's OK right? Isn't that what freedom means? It's complicated and I think we should be kinder to ourselves, humbler and admit, we have no clue what we are doing most times, but be committed to taking it a day at a time as we try figure it out.
The God factor
This one trumps all of them. As a Christ follower, I believe he knows what's best for me. I know with all of me that there are situations that he saved me from in-spite of my own lack of information, maturity, insight, whatever. God has the big picture and he does give me the freedom to choose. Really if I wanted to get married just to get married, I'm sure I could find a nice lad to walk down the aisle with. Thing is, because I want the lofty ideals I discussed earlier, a few things are at play. First, I'm learning every day to be a better human. I'm not of the belief that we get prepared to be spouse, but I think awesome humans, make awesome partners, awesome friends, awesome siblings, parents, teachers, whatever! These years of singleness and therapy have revealed my flaws, weaknesses, but also my awesome bits. These years have taught me to be kind to myself, to celebrate myself, that I am capable of amazing things, that I am valuable and whoever I end up with must see things the same way. And if I want the relationship I described I want to see those things in him. And this is why I am single, because I have either not met this guy yet, or because I have but we haven't fallen in love yet. And that's OK, because marriage isn't a prize, it's a type of relationship.
Now for you to all yell at me! Ready...set...go!
So why is this awesome human that is me single? I have been asked. I haven't the foggiest clue, but I have in the past asked myself questions like "what's wrong with me? Am I lovable? Why won't they stay?" Responses like "there's nothing wrong with me, it's them... men are dogs, men don't commit anymore..." have come to the fore, but as I grow older (wisdom alert) I realize that sometimes, there was something wrong with me, and sometimes it really was them. I know for sure that not all men are dogs and some totally want to commit. How do we navigate this complexity then?
Today, more women in their 30s have never been married and we are plagued by questions of esteem and worth because we haven't followed the norms defined on this side of history.
What is normal?
I've had the benefit of living in a few different countries in my adult life,and I've concluded that normal is relative to context. Perhaps in Zimbabwe, 30 and single warrants a WTF ("F" for fudge, not the other word). In the US and South Africa even, 30 and single aint a thing. This is all specific to the female gender. Many have argued that our place of origins and upbringing often inform our world views. Whilst I live in South Africa now, where it's totally acceptable to have children from maybe different fathers, you as a single mum can still remain valued and seen as normal. Being Zimbabwean born and raised makes that life choice or circumstance rather taboo. But... and it's a big BUT, I am a free, critical thinking human, capable of interrogating my surroundings, interpreting anthropology in light of my own biases.
What I think
I actually am indifferent to whether or not an aunt is concerned by my unmarried-ness. I don't live with that aunt, and her view of me does not shape my identity or destiny. But I'm one of those rare few African females that's been blessed to not have any relative pressure me into matrimony, or question my lack of it. I have friends though, that experience this on a daily.
I think marriage isn't a prize nor should it define a person. I think we are obsessed with it and an ideal that is far from reality. We are individuals and within or outside of a marriage, we have a life to live.
Even though I know this and am convinced of it, I still long for the ideal of companionship, of a potentially life long cheer leader and iron mate to sharpen me and me to sharpen him. The idea of a partner that will be a support for my dreams and me his, or in some cases have our dreams combine, should there be that kind of synergy. The ideal of making (and adopting) munchkins to love on and raise to one day make the world better through helping them realize their purpose. I look forward to contributing to the world in my life time, WITH someone who knows me intimately, who can let me be vulnerable and who can be vulnerable and unjudged by me. I look forward to loving. But I had never been cognizant of the fact that to have the above, it would demand that I love unconditionally. Unconditionally... what does that even mean? Married friends, here's your cue.
The Therapy Bit
Singleness in your thirties means you've had some experience in heartbreak, falling in love, making mistakes, hurting another, using another, being used. I have a story to tell in all these areas and have observed others which has taught me things. These personal experiences have been amazing for me, because they've revealed so many aspects of me that I wasn't always aware of. They've also taught me things about relationships (romantic or not) that I didn't know then. Things like perseverance and when to call it quits. Things like patience, generosity, reciprocation, listening, expectation management and all that fun stuff. These lived experiences have purged the yuck in me to surface and at times its shocked me. Am I truly this imperfect? Impatient? Selfish? Yes! Looking in the mirror has been so hard, but so wonderful. I am broken and I know it! But I no longer run from it. I accept it...isn't that the whole basis of being human? We are broken and we need help. And I am committed to doing better. So what of the questions of reasons of why I (you) are single? Have you asked yourself "What's wrong with me? Am I lovable? Why won't they stay?" Let's interrogate the earlier answers that I think many can relate to hearing.
They are the problem....
And so am I. As the above points out... I have issues and I am aware of some of them now, but now my own journey has shown me that imperfection is normal in all people in all contexts. Specifics may vary in seriousness, but I am also empowered to decide the extent that I will engage that imperfection. In the context of a relationship, the fellow has the same option too, which means he can walk away. Marriage is life time stuff people, doesn't he have the right to decide if he's willing to live with me as I am? After all "this is just the way I am, take it or leave it" right? So why do we flip out when he refuses to leave it? That said, we can change and I'm not talking about changing the inherently beautiful things about you, that make you, you, I'm talking about changing the stuff that is actually hurtful... Do we really have to yell or stalk, or be unkind? This question is for both genders. Refusal to change for the better is selfish and if I would walk away from that, they have every right to.
All Men Are Dogs
***whistles and walks away*** Stole that line from an ex - that guy was witty and had a wandering eye. But it didn't mean every guy does. A really good now married guy friend of mine said to me "take some responsibility. Woman, if you hang out in kennels, you will find dogs. Get out of the kennels and stop painting us all with the same brush..." OK that was paraphrased but that's the essence of his plea. We are exposed to the company we keep, so how about we stop rolling with the pack. There are other species out there ladies, one is called "really awesome males that don't cheat." Endangered maybe, but they exist. Yes this one's a sore point for me too, but it doesn't take the truth away.
Men Don't Commit Anymore
Neither do we. I had a debate this morning with some colleagues about the double standards that women sometimes have that make it really frustrating for men. I'd like to unpack this more in another entry, but for now, the essence of the discussion was some of us proclaim the independent woman mantra, but in practice want to be taken care of. Well yeah!!! I am convinced that EVERY WOMAN WANTS A MAN TO LOVE ON HER... but taking care is not always financial. Taking care also means just keeping your word, being considerate and contributing to a bill, please contribute to a bill. And I think most guys want to deliver on that. The problem I think is we are not honest with ourselves. I am one of those independent women, that has double standards, but that's because I've been single and supporting myself all of my adult life. So getting a male someone to fit in is going to be a huge adjustment for me. There's a learning curve, for both of us. One day I will want to change my own tire (which I have and I didn't want to, but had to as there was no guy handy). Another day, I will want to wear a flowery dress and have you whisk me away to a romantic restaurant (me, personally, would rather have you cook - ahem). The point is, in the context of Africa, many of us thirty somethings are the first generation of cross cultural beings where we are living within both Western and African world-views. There's quite a bit of negotiating to do. Men may have career aspirations and can afford X-boxes and play those all day instead of pursuing a wife because its fun! And women may want to do whatever women do and not have to worry about commitment, because now socio-economics and cultural norms have become more flexible in this regard. But there are also guys and gals that are game to tie the knot and couldn't care less about X-Box... right now. I think it goes both ways, both parties are renegotiating their terms on the marriage front and that's OK right? Isn't that what freedom means? It's complicated and I think we should be kinder to ourselves, humbler and admit, we have no clue what we are doing most times, but be committed to taking it a day at a time as we try figure it out.
The God factor
This one trumps all of them. As a Christ follower, I believe he knows what's best for me. I know with all of me that there are situations that he saved me from in-spite of my own lack of information, maturity, insight, whatever. God has the big picture and he does give me the freedom to choose. Really if I wanted to get married just to get married, I'm sure I could find a nice lad to walk down the aisle with. Thing is, because I want the lofty ideals I discussed earlier, a few things are at play. First, I'm learning every day to be a better human. I'm not of the belief that we get prepared to be spouse, but I think awesome humans, make awesome partners, awesome friends, awesome siblings, parents, teachers, whatever! These years of singleness and therapy have revealed my flaws, weaknesses, but also my awesome bits. These years have taught me to be kind to myself, to celebrate myself, that I am capable of amazing things, that I am valuable and whoever I end up with must see things the same way. And if I want the relationship I described I want to see those things in him. And this is why I am single, because I have either not met this guy yet, or because I have but we haven't fallen in love yet. And that's OK, because marriage isn't a prize, it's a type of relationship.
Now for you to all yell at me! Ready...set...go!
The most honest break down of life as a single, African 30 something - on point...
ReplyDeleteWhat's your experience been?
Delete😊...The God factor...😄
ReplyDeleteSince I've given my life to him, doesn't it mean he has a part to play in all this?
Delete