Stop!

Stop, for a moment... or more.

I've recently not been in a good head space. I know this because throughout my entire life, I've been an extremely motivated person. I was around the age of 14 when I took a pretty impressive report card to my father. He read it and smiled then said "good, but if you do well, do it because you want to, not to impress me, or anyone else." Geez dad, all I wanted was a "what a smart child you are, what a good child you are..." affirmation from the person who's opinion mattered most to me. Funny that comment's been a silent life value of mine. I've always set a bar for myself, sometimes unreasonable, and am working on that, but I'm OK not getting the praise of others.  If I feel I have delivered to the best of my capability, I've delivered, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

So when my sense of motivation disappeared I knew something was wrong.  I questioned why I was doing whatever I was doing?  Pursuing further education, doing really cool work, meeting many of my life's goals now lacked luster. The question of "what is this all for?" arose and I had never asked myself that question before because I knew what it was all for. To make a difference through my life. And even though the motivation had not changed, the emotion that supported it had.  That conviction had stirred me on in the past, drive, fueled by purpose, an inner joy and hunger to see change at my hand - gone! Yes, the activities in my life continued to match these goals, something inside me had died.

I freaked out. Why do I feel nothing? Nothing, but a blunt sense of existence? Grades started to drop and quite unlike me, I started to withdraw from company.  Why do I feel nothing? Nothing, but sad.  Sad that no matter what I do, my immediate world stays broken? My temper shortened and I would yell at people. Yell at the laziness of society. How we are inactive citizens and that we expect people to change things for us, whilst we sit and do nothing.  Despite the validity of this, the heart behind my telling off those I considered lazy was wrong. I was directing my discontent toward them when something else was really going on. Why do I feel tired?  I stopped. I stopped. I looked in the mirror and saw that my skin was breaking out. Adult acne?  No a friend, a colleague and a sibling diagnosed.  Stress!  What? Nope, adult acne, I argued. Onward! Shortness of breath. Stop. Considered. Breath caught. Onward! More shortness of breath. Sick. Stop. Considered. Considered. When I considered my life in the last few years, I realized I had been go, go, go the whole time. The changes in my behavior, my thoughts, my emotions pointed to the fact that I was exhausted. Nearing burn out (if not already there).

The great thing about many self motivated and super driven people is we don't need external factors to keep us going. The terrible thing about many self motivated and super driven people is sometimes we don't know when to call for a tea break.  I know in my case, often my sense of worth is wrapped up in what I can achieve. I battle with being still, because I have energy, and even when the energy runs out, I find a way to push on until my body calls it quits and forces me to stop. The problem is I wasn't considering. Taking a moment to take a breath and look back, and feel and weigh in on what was going inside. Until, I started to feel nothing. But it really wasn't nothing, it was exhaustion.  And when I'm exhausted, my motivation dwindles, my mood gets yuck and my skin breaks out.

So over the last few weeks, I've been considering. The thing about stopping is you listen better. I know I have.  I'm hearing that others have gone through or are going through this process. It's not unusual to feel this way, but its usually indicative of something else going on. I am not a failure for feeling low and unmotivated. Stopping and considering has shown me that I have gaps and sometimes self drive is not enough, that I need someone to hold my hand at times. Stopping and considering has shown me that sometimes, I just need to stop without considering. Just stop and regroup. Yes emotions can sometimes be misleading and sometimes we need to push through them, but sometimes we need to look to see what is behind them and for me it was exhaustion.

I still value my father's wisdom but I'll take it to another level. I want to do well in loving myself because if I'm too exhausted to do anything, there is no doing well. And you know what, sometimes doing well is just resting and drinking lots of water, because beak outs are not a good look. So here's to stopping... and my dermatologist appointment next week.